***DM THOUGHTS IN BLUE***
***HIGHER SELF IN RED***
May the fourth be with you.
And also with you.
I am going to look like an ass, yet again.
Yep. You are not used to it by now?
Do we give the long version or the short version of the last forty-eight hours?
Just sum up.
Alrighty, then. The humungous breakdown I had two nights ago, about the pendulum and Universe fucking with my answers, turned out to be a demon hanging out with me. I shit you not. First, I asked why I could not stop sobbing. It spelled out: D M N W T H U. When I asked the name of the D M N, the pendulum spelled out P A N.
Who the fuck is Pan and what is he doing in my space? In my home, my car, all around me…in me. Ask any one of my co-workers or student buddies. They all knew something was wrong with me. I was a different person. Mean and rude to nice people who did nothing to deserve my rudeness. Tears every ten minutes. The worse part was I thought it was all because I did not know who exactly my twin flame really is. Is it Chris or Kieran? Dude, I even tried a spiritual ‘reach-around’ and had my student buddy Deven ask the pendulum some questions for me since I no longer trusted my board and pendulum. When he tried asking which of the two men was my twin, want to know what they spelled out on my board for him? “Not supposed to know.”
Fuck it. I closed the shop at 9:30pm instead of 11pm. As if that was not enough, I left a mess for the morning shift along with a Post-It that read: FAMILY EMERGENCY! SORRY COULD NOT CLEAN and blew that popsicle stand. At home, I cried another river but was confident I would feel better in the morning. I strapped on my CPAP mask and cried myself to sleep.
Yesterday morning comes and I feel no change. I kept saying over and over, “I am done. Leave me alone. I do not know what to believe anymore. No more readings, no more writing, done. Leave me alone.” There was nothing I could do to get out of this mood. Every time I tried to clean up or do my dishes to help make me feel better, I would only get two seconds into it before I was crying again.
It was not PMS, because I was already surfin’ that crimson wave when Pan decided to jump on my back that afternoon.
After contemplating calling in sick half a dozen times, I peeled myself out of bed and went to work. ‘Please, just keep Chris away from me and I will be cool’, I thought to myself the entire ride to work. Things did not get better until I went to lunch at 5:00. It was not straight away, either. I left the doodling notebook at home and grabbed my copy of Dolores Cannon’s ‘The Three Waves of Volunteers and the New Earth’ to read at work instead. Upon returning, the first thoughts I heard were, “Get rid of him yourself. You are a witch.” But, I did try. I burned half a stick of sage and talked mad shit to the little guy, hiding in the corner of my little bachelorette.
However, what I had not done, was at least figure out just what I was dealing with. So, I did what any other superhero would do when they want more intel on their evil nemesis. I Googled.
Ah, okay. He exists. I did not just pull him out of my butt for this post.
This next part is freaky. I had no idea what Pan looked like. Never heard of him. Never seen any picture. Demon, so horns, ugly, what else? When I searched for how to get rid of the bastard, I ran into some pictures. Gulp. The head is not too far off from what I had sketched up there earlier.
After reading the article ‘Bringing Down the Spirit of Pan’, my mood began to lighten little by little. It was slight but noticeable. By 8pm last night, I was smiling. When I asked the pendulum what happened to the mood, it spelled out: L N D S P L L T O B N S H P A N.
Granted, the web advice I had not yet tried. At home, before work, I tried my own spell. “1, 2, 3…by the power vested in me…banished you are from my home and suck a big one!” Okay, that last line was not ‘suck a big one’, but it sounds better than ‘and back to Hell you will be.’
It was like, the Universe just wanted me to at least try it. It would be like the Ghostbusters not bothering to use their ectoplasm blasters, even though they had them in the car. I feel like it was a test of faith. Can I remove negative energy from my being that clings to me without my knowledge or consent?
Apparently, I can! Sweet!
After that, I was immediately guided to YouTube. The second video in my feed is this one:
This video clinched it. The woman narrating the podcast gives five things that happen when a twin flame is in the same room with their true counterpart. I did not even make it to number three before stopping the video and breathing in a huge sigh of relief. Number one was the intense physical feeling and vibes the twins feel when in close proximity. Number two was the feeling of losing time when you are with them. Ten minutes can feel like ten years, etc.
That is when I stopped the video and started to laugh. Do I ever feel intense physical feelings and vibrations when I am standing close to Chris? No.
Have I ever? No.
Have I ever felt like I lost time after looking into his eyes or speaking with him? No and no.
With Kieran, standing in the same room with him was excruciatingly wonderful. Hot, intense, and sometimes a blur. I could never stare too long into his eyes. They were like tractor beams that would pull me in if I stayed locked in for too long. No way could we have that. He might get the idea I am into him. Here he is, all engaged to some hot Asian chick and I am just some loud, opinionated chubby dork bugging him for pool lessons and free pool.
Engaged to someone who is all appearance and no sustenance, he sure did move me out of the way with his ass to show me that next corner shot. More than once, too. For a guy to have no interest in me, the opposite of what he was showing off to everyone in town, he sure acted silly when he and I were in the same room. Distracted and trying to find the nearest escape route.
Chris is just a good-looking guy. That is it. That is all I know about the guy. Oh, and that he has no confidence in himself when it comes to strong, independent women. He is a liar when confronted. He is attracted to girls who are damaged and needy. That alone was enough to kill any hardon I ever had for the guy.
The only reason I had any idea he could be my true twin, was because I continued to doubt what I already knew to be true. Upstairs, they finally just got tired of it and were, like, “You know, she wants to question all this so much, creating a whole new fantasy destiny out of the blue with some dude at work, why not take her for a ride until she figures it out?”
That ride put me through Hell.
But, it was by far the best ride of the entire journey because it came with confirmation, acceptance, closure, and enlightenment. In that order.
What is left to do? Kick back, get our business up and off the ground and run it here in New Mexico where it needs it until the time comes for us to run it together. I was wondering why the heck this video would pop up in my YouTube feed once in a while. Not once have I ever searched for a video like that or watched a video of the same substance.
The Lemitar Post Office burglary is not even half the story, let me tell you.
Who knows if marriage and kiddos are part of the deal? I have my intuition that keeps saying the same thing, but every day is a new day. Who really knows what the future will hold?
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