I honestly didn’t think I could ever get to this point. But today, it occurred to me that it’s been a few weeks since our last astral sex session. I don’t feel him popping off in my panties every day anymore, and if i do feel it, it’s very light and not as intense. I don’t think about him as much either.
In fact, I am realizing that many times I hear other thoughts in my head, they are not his lately. It’s me. I mean, my Higher Self, I guess. I am proud of myself and I am getting the kudos in my head from Me.
That’s not to say I’ve been a total angel out here. I have plenty of ego to shed still and I know what I need to do with regard to taking better care of myself, eating healthier, not smoking, shit like that.
The difference is I no longer get down on myself for not being the perfectly focused Devine Feminine meditating every day, doing chakra work, eating fruits and veggies to match the color of the chakra you are trying to tune up, etc. I had this ridiculous and unrealistic fear that whatever I was doing out here was going to effect whether or not my DM gets better himself. I was actually feeling guilty for moving on with my life out here doing what I like to do. Like, if I have a beer and a cigarette with Art at the house, that is going to show I don’t care about myself because I am harming my body with poisons and thus couldn’t POSSIBLY be ready for reuniting with my twin. Problem right there.
I was trying to be perfect and when I wasn’t, I would get down on myself for not doing this journey right.
What the Hell was I thinking? That makes no sense at all.
I read more and more questions from twin flames on Quora all asking what they need to do to get reunited with their twin. I remember when that was all I thought about, too. It was excruciating and I hated it.
I am so glad that is finally over. I am not exactly sure when it slowed down, either.
No wait. Yes, I do.
I started not to care whether or not I ever heard from my DM again when i started to ‘catch feelings’ for Art.
Art started to change his attitude about being lazy around the house and did a complete 180 as of two weeks ago. His room is the cleanest it’s ever been and he’s is on top of it. I saw him take his coffee cup to the kitchen instead of leaving it on his desk and I actually got a little horny for the guy right then and there.
I finally came to grips with the fact that it’s perfectly okay to fall in love with someone other than my twin. I love my DM because he is my DM and I can’t undo that. I don’t want to undo that. That will never go away because the love I have for my DM is unconditional. But, I need to live my life day to day HERE. NOW. Not, what might happen in the future.
And do you know what is right here right now? A great friend who makes me laugh all the time, doesn’t judge me, loves me for the geeky goober I am and even takes pride in the dork HE is. Ever since I confronted him with the fact he is always speaking negative about those around him, he stopped doing it. I’m serious. It’s like Art figured out that we were put in each other’s life for a reason and that some of those reason’s were to trigger a positive change in the other in some form or another.
So, a few things have changed since I wrote what you just read.
I started typing this post on 06-04-2020. I decided to finish it today and something happened in the last 48 hours that shifted my energy.
I had been feeling in the last week or so that Art wants something more than just a best friend with occasional benefits. He cleared off a huge spot in his room and mentioned I can put some stuff there. You know, toothpaste, brush, extra panties, etc. Then, he threw in the words, “We’re nesting.”
Um, not what I was expecting. Not what I wanted to hear. But, I didn’t say anything to him about it.
Fast forward to yesterday afternoon and I get a text message from Art around 4pm telling me to grab a beer and stop by if I wasn’t busy. He had sent some funny memes along with the text, so I didn’t acknowledge his text, just the memes.
Then at 5:05pm, I get a text from his telling me the girls are curious if I was going over there to visit.
I responded at 5:35pm letting him know I was already settled in at home and wouldn’t be going back out.
He says, “Yep, I heard.”
I responded with, “Heard?”
Then nothing from him the rest of the night. I knew he was disappointed I decided not to go over there. He really felt that with his clean room, I would want to spend more time over there with him and his girls.
Granted, I did tell him over and over how proud I was of him and that I finally felt comfortable in his room. But, there is one thing that comes with it that I do not like and have wanted to stop for quite some time now: drinking and watching television in his room all night while his girls play on their tablets in another room.
That is not what I like to do. That is what he is used to every single day. I can’t do it. I’ve told him this. I have tried it. I end up drinking too much to match him and I don’t like being that way around the girls. I was never even a big drinker until I started living there and taking care of Liz and the girls. After only my first week of doing caregiver work for Liz, I told him I NEEDED a beer. That’s when I started drinking with him. It is always fun for a little while and then we end up saying stupid shit to each other and I end up leaving mad. He will apologize the next day, or I will, depending on who was doing the shit talking, and then we are cool again.
And then it starts all over the next day.
Bless his heart, he only wants to hang out and enjoy my company. He is shy and doesn’t feel he can be his total self when he is sober, so he likes to catch a buzz first. He figured that since he switched to buying a six pack of IPAs instead of two 40oz bottles of Steel Reserve, that it would be more acceptable to me, and therefore him, because he sees it as not pounding the beers to get sloshed right away. It seemed logical to me…at first.
The thing is, I noticed he will drink the entire six pack that afternoon and into the evening. That’s because he is an alcoholic and I understand that. I really do.
But, does that mean I have to keep my vibration lower by hanging out with him when he wants me there? I realized the answer is ‘No.’ Even if it hurts his feelings.
And that’s exactly what happened. I didn’t hear from him the rest of last night and the first text I got from him today was actually kind of creepy. Creepy good, but creepy nonetheless.
Art and I are very aware of our spiritual connection. It has been there since the beginning when I was just a customer at the coffee house where he works and where I now work. The amount of coincidences that surround our whole relationship is extremely uncanny. He can finish my sentences and even say what I was going to say right before I say it. I tripped out on it, whereas he accepted it pretty fast and didn’t make a big deal out of it like I did. He said he just knew.
What I was not expecting was the connection with his youngest, Daizyrai. She was four when I moved in last October to nanny for her and her sister, Lilyann, who is now seven.
The girls’ mother is a meth addict and sometimes uses when she has the girls for her visitations. Art knows it, I know it and he says that if he says anything to Child Protective Services, they are going to drug test him, too, and when they find weed and alcohol in his system, his probation is violated and he goes to jail. It makes me sick to my stomach that rather than try and go clean and sober long enough to get a case started to get their mother tested and her visitation rights taken away again, he would rather ignore it. To him, as long as the meth pipe isn’t in Daizyrai’s hand like it was the last time the girls were taken away from her, the girls are fine.
That’s another situation I do not like, but there is nothing I can do about it.
At any rate, the girls are never excited to see their mother and when they are there, they are ignored. See, tweekers who are tweeking out on meth like to concentrate on a certain project and for their mother, it’s Facebook. She will put the kids in the bathtub and ignore them for hours.
There was one visit where we had to go to the hospital to take Daizyrai to the ER. Their mother’s story was that the girls were taking a bath and when Daizyrai got out, she stumbled a bit then passed out. She had no idea why and explained that frantically to the Dr. as Art was carrying in Daizyrai.
I got Lilyann alone in the waiting room, already prepared with a backpack full of snacks, water and her tablet fully charged. I asked what happened that day. Lily told me they were in the tub and mama was at work. Then Daizyrai got out and she fell on the floor and she went to get her mama.
Turns out, she had left the girls in the tub for two hours while she went to work at the front office of the motel where she works in exchange to have two rooms to live. The girls had hardly eaten and Daizyrai was very dehydrated.
I could not believe it. But again, nothing I could do.
With me being a live-in nanny, Daizyrai got attached to me very fast and I to her. I apparently introduced the girls to genuine love and affection with my overload of hugs and kisses and random “I love you”‘s throughout the day. Things they do not get with their mother. Art has told me more than once that he believes Daizyrai loves me more than she loves her mother. That’s when he started getting all gooey with me. I would catch him looking at us when I would be reading to her or something. He says he loves the way I am with his girls.
Here are a couple of creepy, but cool, signs I think there is a spiritual connection with Daizyrai and myself:
A few months ago, I remember thinking to myself that I have been seeing a shit ton of white Chevy trucks lately. Like, they are everywhere out here. Everyone seems to drive one. And then of course, Art goes and buys a used white Chevy Silverado not long after I had the thought. (Did I mention that last October, I was watching a tarot reading regarding DM energy updates and the reader stopped in the middle of what she was saying and said, “I just heard ‘white truck.'”)
One day not long ago, before Quarantine, we were picking the girls up from school or running errands and out of the blue, Daizyrai says, “There are lots of white trucks.” Why would she say that?
There was a day she stayed home from preschool because she was getting over a nasty cold and I was watching her while I was taking care of chores around the house. I was picking up the girls’ bedroom and realized Daizyrai had been in the living room for quite a while watching her YouTube shows on her tablet. Liz is an older woman with a textbook case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Add some Dementia to that and she likes to talk to the girls like they can never do anything right. I don’t like to have the girls alone with her for too long. It’s just too toxic.
I think to myself, “I would really like Daizyrai to be in here with me. She’s been with Liz for too long.” Then, I shit you not, Daizyrai’s dog Spike gets up from the girls’ bed where he was napping and leaves the bedroom. A few minutes later, Spike returns with Daizyrai, who has her tablet in her hand and hasn’t even bothered to look up from it. She just climbs on the bed and resumes watching.
Spike went and got her for me!
I kept hearing the thought that Spike is my familiar when I first moved in. His name even came out in one of my auto-writing sessions WEEKS BEFORE even meeting Art. I just kept writing the name Spike Spike Spike Spike Spike over and over. I would post a picture of that, but that particular notebook was lost when I moved out of the RV and into Art’s.
This next one melted my heart, though. Two weeks ago, I was hanging out at the house in Art’s room, doing some writing, I think. Art was in the other chair in the room and Daizyrai walks in the room and over to me and says, “Daddy-I mean Mommy, I’m thirsty.” I told her she could have a bottle of water and that she is a big girl now being 5 years old that she can go grab one from the bag herself.
As she walks off, I turn to Art and said, “Dude, did you catch that? What do the girls call their mom? I thought they called her ‘mama’.”
“They do. They never call her Mommy. She thinks you’re her mommy.”
Then it hit me.
Everything I had been feeling about why I was led to this family in the first place has to be correct. Life lessons and practice taking care of a household with two small girls, close in age range.
Art is my soulmate. I believe that. I also believe that he is my catalyst. He is triggering things in me I need to change about myself. For example, he is lazy. I can be lazy and it drives me nuts sometimes. But, he is also my balance. All the things I admire in him are things I don’t see in me. Things that I want. Like his patience. His humility. His natural level-headedness. He never raises his voice and I have never seen him be mean to another living thing. He listens and thinks before he opens his mouth. I react too fast and most times I am wrong about what I just blew up about. We just click. We are comfortable with each other. He told me a secret he hasn’t told anyone else about an encounter with a guy. That’s trust.
I also believe I was sent there to learn how to appropriately deal with someone who is emotionally abusive on a daily basis. I had to learn how to set healthy boundaries and keep them. Liz never has anything nice to say and everything you do is never the right way to do it. She won’t do it herself, because it’s beneath her. A little over a year ago, if someone was mistreating me verbally, I had no problem going right up to their face and exploding.
A year into trying my damnedest to find compassion for everyone, I had to force myself to be nice to her and understand she is the way she is because of how she was raised. Liz was the first born and at nine months old, her mother gave birth to premature twin girls, Judy and Jean. Art told me once he asked Liz why she was so vindictive. Her response was something like, “Probably because when I was nine months old, all the attention went directly to her premature twin sisters. I felt abandoned.”
She has always felt like nothing she did was ever good enough and so she has to do everything she can to prove to anyone that what she does MATTERS.
I felt horrible when Art told me that. I wanted to take back every nasty thought I’d ever had about her. But then, when you walk in the house, do her a favor and all she can do is criticize it, it’s easy to forget how horrible I felt for her just 5 minutes ago.
I went off on her one time. It was over a book she couldn’t find and she was just too lazy to look for it. I let her have it verbally. I felt bad almost immediately. Like I had failed at my Twin Flame Journey of trying to be a better person.
That was short lived, though. I understand I am human and I am not perfect. I apologized to the old bat later that day.
I swear to God I had no idea actively trying to be a better person would be so humbling. It makes me feel pretty amazing to not have a negative comment spew from my mouth with everything conversation I begin.
I also found I can really love someone other than my twin flame and not feel guilt or shame or like I am betraying him. My love for my DM is different than the love I feel for Art.
I understand now I am supposed to be going through ALL of this to prepare me for what I am soon going to be able to handle that I could not have handled before.
I love Art to death, but I am not in love with him. I can no longer see myself in a happy and fulfilled relationship with someone who does not love himself. He needs alcohol every day to keep sane from living in that house with Liz. She just updated her Last Will and Testement to include that Art’s girls are welcomed to live there until their 18th birthday. What a nice gesture from her, no?
So, why not try and get a place of your own to leave this Hell you claim to be in? He said this is easier. He says it’s security for his girls. Security before his sanity, I suppose. For him, it’s worth the sacrifice to be in that vicious cycle of getting drunk every night and then feeling like shit the next morning because he got drunk. What does he do when he feels like shit? He drinks.
And all because his older brothers thought it would be funny to get him drunk off of beer when he was 7 years old.
He doesn’t feel good enough about himself to try. I think he thinks that with me there, I can help keep him in check and it gives him a reason to want to do better.
I can’t be that reason. He needs to be the reason.
And that is what I am to learn from him. I know it. Art doesn’t want to be alone anymore. I finally got to the place where I am comfortable being alone. I never was before.
That is where I am today. Like, right now.
I was going over to Art’s to hang out and drink because I wasn’t totally comfortable being here at my home alone. When it got to not be fun anymore, I was still going over there to do the same thing.
That is what I needed to realize to change it. I did that yesterday and let him know I needed some space and a change of pace. He was hurt, but I know it’s the best thing for me to keep my vibration higher.
Clarity is awesome when you finally obtain some. You see things differently. People, nature, everything…you see it with brand new colors somehow. It’s awesome.
I’m gonna jet. Thanks for reading. If you are a twin flame feeling lost or just fed up and would like a free energy tarot reading, just let me know in the comments and we can arrange it. Peace out awesome souls.