04-28-2020 I Know I Shouldn’t Be Bored, But I am.


***DM thoughts are in BOLD type***

Ever write a word to much at once and then all of the sudden the spelling just doesn’t look correct? For some reason the word ‘bored’ wasn’t looking right.

I love that meme. Meme’s are pretty great.

I was reading some Quora answers today. One of them had to do with this whole twin flame obsession. Is it just an obsession and what does it really mean to be a twin flame and shit like that.

I came to the realization that this whole thing is not about finding your true love and getting married and all that jazz. Hell, many twin flames are married with kids already.

It sucks that I have to have my DM in my head all the time, though. It doesn’t help sometimes when I want to focus on other things and not him.

I don’t want to think about when we may see each other again.

I don’t want to think about what he is doing or not doing.

I just want to know he is doing well in everything he is doing.

I want to know he is becoming a better man and that he likes the man he is becoming. I’d love him to be the kind of man who doesn’t care what other people think about him. The kind of man who won’t tolerate anyone mistreating him because he knows he doesn’t deserve it.

I hope he gets there one day. I got there. I guess the way it works is he is next. I don’t even know how this works. It’s just a pain in the ass.

In the meantime, I am just doing my thing to make sure I am living a day to day life where I am happy with myself.

I want to be this chick in the picture:

This is the peace I want.

You know the saying, “You are what you hang with?”

What if the only people you know are the ones you don’t really want to hang with?

Let’s say my buddy Art, for instance. Art is a great guy. He makes me laugh so hard and always has a patient temperament. He is never angry. He always has something to laugh about. The problem is he speaks the most negative about people when they are not around. He is never mean about it and I think that is why I was oblivious at first at the kind of person he really is.

He is an alcoholic. He knows this and is unhappy about it. So, he drinks to get himself that buzz to feel happy for a little while until he passes out. Sometimes that is 6 or 7 in the evening. Hey, it’s his life and up to the first 40oz beer, he is tolerable. Once the second 40oz beer is gone, he is sloppy and no longer funny. That is when I let him know I am leaving. He knows it’s because he has crossed that line that makes him no longer fun to be around and he is totally cool when I let him know it’s time for me to leave.

One thing I haven’t mentioned and I am not sure I will, is how much he speaks badly about Liz, about his buddy Wayne, about his buddy Jeremy, about his ex the meth head who is actively using meth while she watches the girls. His excuse for not doing anything is, “Well, her mother is there, so the girls are safe.”

Are they? Are they really?

It occurs to me that as much as he speaks badly of his ex not being able to take care of the girls because every three months she is getting fired from a job for her meth use and/or stealing from whatever business where she is working, he is doing the same thing by coming home with the girls, getting them straight on their tablets for ‘Tablet Time’, then he takes his beer and goes into his room to watch TV and slowly get drunk.

I hate seeing it and it makes me feel bad. It brings my vibe way down hanging out with him.

Then don’t.

Don’t start. I have already made up my mind on that.

You said that over a month ago and you are still going over there to drink and hang out. You end up pissed at him every time you leave.

Not every time.

Yes every time, Christina.

Okay fine. I just keep thinking the next time it will be different is all.

Art tells me to just ‘go with the flow’. He says I can’t fix that family.

I know now I can’t help much with their situation anymore like I thought I could. I also know now that being around them is not healthy for me either. I don’t like the person I am when I am there anymore. All I see are things that I would do different if it were MY kids. That’s not a bad thing, is it? That’s not me thinking I am better than he is, is it? Because, that’s not it at all.

All ‘going with the flow’ for me with Art is being around an environment where the vibe is low and depressing because of the filth of the house, the two unhappy drunks that show their behavior around a five and seven year old and then there is the mean lady that lives there. That house is a bad vibe the moment you walk in the door. Anyone will tell you that who has been there. I shit you not.

If I don’t want to hang out there, I’m not gonna. Although, I might have opened my mouth a tad too much last night.

Is that even possible?

You’re a butt. And I’m not sure. But, he hasn’t spoken to me all day.

This post is way overdue. I will explain in the next post.

**Songs playing while editing and closing are listed below. Click the links for the lyrics. **

‘You’re The Best’ by Joe Esposito. Think the movie ‘The Karate Kid’.) https://genius.com/Joe-esposito-youre-the-best-lyrics)


‘Surrender’ by Cheap Trick https://genius.com/Cheap-trick-surrender-lyrics


‘Waiting’ by Madonna https://genius.com/Madonna-waiting-lyrics

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